I find myself questioning whether I made the correct decision coming to ERC. I didn’t have a good experience the first time I went to eating disorder treatment and I tried to write it off as me being really sick, being scared, not giving the treatment center a chance, etc. But now as I’m reflecting, I know I gave my all at one point the first time and it left me feeling worse and struggling mentally for months after. Now as I’m in my second round of treatment, I find myself asking the same question. Is treatment for me? And I don’t mean, “Is getting better for me?”, but is this treatment process the one that will help me the most? Everyone is different and I don’t feel like I’ve found my way yet and I personally feel that treatment centers aren’t the way for me. I find that I become a different person. I act out in anger and frustration and I make decisions that will only slide me backwards instead of push me forwards and I find myself more miserable than words can explain. About twenty times a day I’m told I need to just adjust and settle in. I’m honestly about to throw a fit if I hear it again because adjusting isn’t the problem, the process is the problem. It doesn’t feel like they care for you but are more putting you through a factory. They don’t listen to your feelings because at times they’re so busy telling you how you feel because they’ve seen it a million times before. That’s great and all but I’m my own person and maybe I don’t feel that way! It’s not good being a people pleaser in treatment. You find yourself eating more for others than yourself and when you leave, you have to eat for yourself. I feel like learning to succeed in the real world needs to happen in the real world for me. I have to choose to eat everyday for myself. I don’t like who I am in treatment and I don’t like the reasons I came to treatment. I thought everyone would be better off without me in their lives for a bit so I came to Denver. That’s not a good enough reason to go and it shouldn’t be a reason at all because it’s not a true statement. I really regret coming and I’m questioning what’s best for me and what I’m being told is best for me. I know myself and this doesn’t feel right. I’m not leaving yet because I owe it to my family to stay a bit longer but I do feel I’ll find my way once I’m out of treatment and that will be what eventually helps me in life.
3am
It’s 3am and I leave in an hour to the airport. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what I’m feeling right now. Sadness for leaving. Doubt over whether I’m making the right decision. I’m terrified of going to treatment but the team of support that I trust feels it’s necessary. In two days I’ll be admitted to ERC Denver on my birthday. That’s a scary way to start a new year of life but it’s time for a change whether I’m ready for it or not. Logically I know I need to get better, emotionally I’m terrified and want to cling to what’s kept me protected the past few years even though it’s been an unhealthy way to cope, it’s kept me safe in a way. But now it’s damaging not only my mental health but my physical and I need treatment to help save me. I’m struggling. I don’t want to leave my home. I have no idea how long I’ll be gone for and that scares me. I know I’ll be home again one day but what will happen to me between now and then? Treatment is terrifying and I wish I could say I was going in with confidence but instead I’m going in with doubt and anxiety. It’s a valid way to feel but I still wish I felt otherwise. I wish I felt ready for this change and I wish I could say I 100% want it. That’s hard for me to write; that I’m not 100% wanting this. I feel guilty because I have such amazing support and yet I’m unsure of getting better. Change is scary and that’s what I’m facing right now. It would be difficult for anyone to remove themselves from life and enter a facility that brings nothing but change.
It’s 3am and I’m not backing away. I’m getting on that plane and I’m going to enter that building on Tuesday, doubt, fear and all and I will stay. I’m tired and don’t want to try but I will stay as long as it takes for me to try.
If you’d like to send me anything while I’m in there, my address will be below!
Emma Krebs
8199 E 1st Ave
Denver, CO 80230
What My Eating Disorder Gave Me
Eating disorders can be glorified in this day and age and it’s frustrating beyond belief. It never gave me joy or satisfaction. It never gave me constant comfort or confidence. Instead it stole from me. It stole my teenage years that could’ve been filled with fun memories of friends and family but instead it left me with memories of restricting my food and hours spent in the gym running with no energy. It took away my confidence and the person everyone knew me to be. It took away my ability to see the world clearly and instead left a huge gap between me and everyone and everything that I loved. It took away from relationships that I could’ve put effort into if I wasn’t so wrapped up in my disorder. It took away dance as I became too weak to continue. It took away friends as I never went out or wanted to be seen by anyone. It stole my life, it took away everything. And what did it give me? Health conditions that will never go away, extreme fatigue, weakness, depression, anxiety, rigidity, insecurities, strained relationships, sleepless nights, painful joints, coldness to the bone, a fear of food, a fear of being seen, and so many other things that I could go on for quite a while. My eating disorder gave me plenty but it never gave the safety I was seeking, instead it stole that from me and has left me drowning and lost. This is why I’ve chosen to go back to treatment on my terms. As I embark off to Denver Colorado, I want to share my story and share my experience. Eating disorders don’t give, they take till there’s nothing left. They are terrifying and life threatening. If you are suffering, I beg you to reach out and get the help you deserve because it’s never too late to choose recovery.
You Don’t Realize Until You Do
That’s the thing. You don’t ever realize how bad things are until you do. You don’t realize how numb you are to the world until you feel. You don’t realize just how sick you are until you can’t ignore the weakness anymore. We’re so used to blocking everything out until it gets to being a crisis and why? Our society is obsessed with pushing and pushing for more and more and we ignore all the warning signs of our body and mind suffering from that constant need for more. No one tells us it’s ok to stop. They interpret it as failing. No one tells us it’s ok to take a breather and go at your own pace, even if that’s slower than everyone else. They interpret that as being lazy. No one tells us it’s ok to be us and that’s a problem. If you haven’t heard it recently or haven’t heard it at all, IT’S OK!! All of it, it’s ok. Stop. Breath. Take your time. Remember to take care of yourself. Our society may not prioritize these things but that doesn’t mean you can’t. You’ll be happier and healthier both physically and mentally if you make yourself a priority. And it doesn’t happen overnight because we’re so used to being trapped in the cycle of pushing for more but eventually if we can break free, we’ll realize just how much happier we can be. Don’t let it be too late to realize just how bad off things can get. Break free from the cycle now.
emasrecovery 